Under normal circumstances, I would not post a sunrise this large on a blog. But it’s so much part of this story that I thought it important for those who are reading this to see it first before reading. Where and why I took this photo and why it means so much to me I’ll explain a little later. But before I share my experience, take time to look at it yourself and find your own meaning on what this means for you. Notice what you see FIRST, and the feeling you are left with when you decide that interpretation is done.
I should also mention, today is my birthday.
Your Song by Elton John always makes me cry. Even as I think about it now, I can feel tears well up in my belly, creep up into my throat, and do their best to exit my eyes. When I sang professionally, I could never get through the song. Whenever anyone started that piano part at the beginning, I would have to turn around and just allow the band to play instrumentally while I let the tears flow as I thought about what the lyrics mean to me.
Your Song is about a gift. It’s about being thankful. It’s about the color of someone’s eyes and the way they smile. It’s about what they bring to the world and to you. It’s about contemplating, and thinking, and learning, and giving back, embracing, including, engaging. It’s about healing. Every time I would hear the words “Î hope you don’t mind what I put down in words; how wonderful life is while you’re in the world.” The first thought that always came to mind is my son, Keaton. That kid (he’s a grown up now) changed my life. His presence gave me the strength to do things differently. I quit drinking, I prioritized my time differently, I encouraged people more, I gained more confidence and began to work on msyself more - still making mistakes, but understanding what mistakes do not only do to me, but to others. My son was the reason why I made the choice to leave my first marriage without taking anything, because I didn’t want that fight to impact my child. Quite frankly, with or without my son, I would have left the marriage the same way. I don’t take things out of spite, and as much as people may deem me to be vengeful, I am not. Thinking of my son is what brought those happy and grateful tears.
I love my son tremendously with my whole heart, but today, it has a different meaning and conjures up a rain of crying for other reasons.
The last 3 years of my life have been hell. I can’t put it into any other words but that. My entire life has been spent chasing many things. Chasing people who didn’t want to be captured; chasing after compliments about me as a person; chasing after people to do everything I could to change their minds about a person who they enjoyed seeing compromised; chasing after accolades at work. I spent time running to shit, and running away from shit, but then running right back into it, and in the meantime, the most important relationship got lost.
The one I am supposed to have with myself.
I began to believe what others believed. I could have a group of people uplifting me and telling me that I am a great person despite so many things, but I would always run after the ones who told me I was a horrible, terrible, self centered, pretentious, full of myself, non caring human BECAUSE of those very things. I allowed…I ALLOWED myself to be chipped away little by little when a boss would tell me that (and these comments did come from former bosses) I was stupid. That I would never amount to anything. That I was JUST an assistant and needed to keep myself centered on that fact and stop trying to do more. That I would never graduate college. That I was only good for one thing (constant sexual harassment). That I wasn’t accountable, or dependable, or talented, yelling and screaming at me and “leading” with fear, taking pleasure out of holding the feelings of this girl hostage. I allowed so many people to gaslight, project, and pour their inability to manage their own mental health challenges onto me. And make no mistake. That shit worked. I would often times just cry and cry and cry and write, and ask myself “IS THIS REALLY ME?” When I would do something kind for someone else, I’d feel good but then shortly after, I would say to myself “That’s not you. That’s someone you’re trying be. You’re an imposter. All those people told you so.” All the abuse, all the shame, all the guilt, all the lessons I had to teach myself.
Well, that thinking has changed.
About a month ago, I was visiting my mom. She has Alzheimer’s and Dementia and I’ve been tasked with taking care of her. The last year and half or so has been really, really difficult on so many levels, but boy, I’ve had some amazing moments with my mom; moments that others wish they had, and either never did, or just never got the oppourtity to have it. Many I am sorry’s have been uttered. Many hugs. Many I love you’s. So many thank you’s. Going to church together. Having lunch together. When she had her stroke last year, right before her birthday, it’s been really hard watching her dwindle. However, one time when I visited her, she was trying so hard to talk and she said “I know you don’t think I know you. I KNOW YOU. I know you.” She couldn’t’ say my name, but she kept pointing to her heart and saying “I KNOW.” I told her that I understood. She didn’t remember my name, but in her heart she knows me. She knows who I am.
And that’s when I realized that I needed to know who I was, am, and who I want to be.
I drove home from visiting her and Your Song came on. And then I just began to utter to myself an cry.
I am so thankful. I am so grateful. I get to have this time with my mom and I am incredibly grateful for that. My husband is my best friend who listens to me and who gets me. He holds me accountable, and tells me the truth. He engages me in a process, and we love spending time together. He is the most loving, thoughtful, caring, giving human being I have ever known in my life and he chose me. I am thankful for him. I began a job at last year May and just had my review. Everything that my boss said I am, are all the things that other bosses said I am not - not because I wasn’t those things, but because it gave them more control to make me work toward a goal that in their minds they were going to make sure I never achieved. I am thankful for my boss. I have one son and 2 step sons. They are healthy. All 3 are happy. And all I can say is, that’s what you want. All the other stuff are additions. But I raised my son, and try to be a supportive step parent to 2 step sons in teaching them that THEY deserve to live in a space of peace, love, happiness and self advocacy. They’ve achieved that. THAT is the goal. That, and that alone. I am thankful for them and all the lessons I’ve been taught because of them. I’ve remained sober for almost 21 years., something I thought I’d never do. I did finish college and graduated Summa Cum Laude and worked so hard to achieve that goal. I finally got a diagnosis of PTSD and am now finding effective ways to deal with triggers and emotions, far better than how I dealt with them in the past. I am thankful for my dad and my mom and the things that I’ve collectively learned from them both. I’m thankful, believe it or not, for the nay sayers, especially at this point in my life because I’ve learned now not to take their descriptions of me as fact; but to hold myself accountable for the things that are accurate, but call out the things that are pure fiction and made up. I’m thankful that I’m teaching young kids how to read music who otherwise would have no access to these expensive lessons. I’m thankful for my friends who have cried with me, and held me when I couldn’t get it together. I am very grateful that I haven’t watched the news or been on social media since last November and will not go back, despite what others may think.
I could keep writing about the good stuff, because there is a lot, now that I can see things much more clearly, but let me tell you about this picture and who Your Song is about.
I went on a camping trip last year in Illinois when my husband and I decided to take separate trips. I felt singly responsible for so many things that were taking place in his life and felt like I could not get off from under this rock of responsibility that had been thrown at me so many times. I was bleeding. And these were wounds that I had never tended to, covered up, wiped down, washed off, and gave them time to heal. I just kept standing in front of people throwing rocks and letting them continue, while I had a whole circle of people who had nothing but hands held out. At that point all I understood was that the hands held out were only meant to make me believe they cared - but they would just push me back into the rock thrower group.
I brought my camera and woke up early one morning and this sunrise is what I saw. I grabbed my lense and started snapping. I could write an incredibly profound statement about this photo and how it made me feel at that moment when I shot this picture, or how it makes me feel now. But I think I’m gonna keep it simple.
There is always darkness. You can’t get rid of it. It even exists when there is light. But if you focus on the shadows and the light that make them, you’ll see only the light. You’ll see the trees, and the green, and the growing, and the opportunity for better. You will acknowledge the darkness, and you will deal with the darkness, but as long as you focus on that light, you’ll will find your way.
Your Song isn’t about my son. It isn’t about my boss. It isn’t’ about my husband. It isn’t about my parents or my friends or all the good people in my life.
It is about me. “How wonderful life is while you’re in the world” is about me. Life is wonderful with me in the world. THAT Is what has been missing. To give that gift to myself is what I have not allowed myself to do.
And that is why this birthday means so much. I am thankful and grateful. That is the light, in a lot of dark. And that is where my focus will stay.
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