I am not quite sure how to explain any of this, except in the way that I often explain things. It takes a while for me to get to the point, so please have patience with me. I'm sure I'll have to proofread this over and over again to make sure that the right message is being sent.
That damn intuition. That gut feeling that tries to make it clear when something you are doing is really, really awesome, or detrimental. I've learned to trust my intuition quite a bit, especially over the past 8 to 9 years. It's amazing, because I started trusting my intuition when I realized that it's pretty much always right. We fight intuition when it tells us things we don't want to believe. I've been fighting it a lot.
I'm going to be honest...for a short time frame, I think I was trapped in a way of thinking that told me that my life needed to change on so many drastic levels. In my history, I'm known for running away from situations that seem too overwhelming to deal with. I've learned that dealing with situations is the best way to either remedy them from an external standpoint, or remedying what needs to be done from an internal standpoint. I was really isolated in my thinking, and could not see or think clearly. mainly because I was intentionally clouding my vision so that what I really needed to see couldn't be seen.
Well...one thing I think I wasn't really seeing clearly was how amazingly awesome my marriage is on so many levels. When I first met my husband, the one thing I remember is how much he and I laughed. He made me laugh!!! Which was something I had not experienced in a long time. We would go to the grocery store and argue about what was gluten free and what wasn't...one time, my husband called security and asked them to escort me out of the store because I was making him feel "unsafe". As I write that, I'm laughing because he just cracked me up. He is so smart. I mean a genius on so many levels...and so incredibly handsome. When he hugs me, it's like his heart is wrapping me inside of it. He learned about my diabetes (and is the only one following my numbers now and he's just awesome with it. So patient). He knows my history, he knows what I've been through, and he makes me feel so special. He treats me like a queen. He really, really does. Listen, neither of us is perfect. We've got our quirks and our issues that sometimes creep up, but for the most part, we do a lot of talking and a lot of getting to know each other every single day. That's really what we did during the pandemic.
This past week, through tears, I've been laughing because my husband will say something that will just crack me up. He knows it works. He's so funny. And so wonderful.
So now, I'm starting this new job. I've had a lot of jobs! I've been criticized for that...but, bottom line is I don't stay at places that make me unhappy. That's no good for the place where I'm working, and it's no good for me. I am not the kind of person that most people are. Put up with it, no matter what it is ,so that you can get a paycheck. No pay is worth giving up my self respect that I've worked harder to gain. My husband did not judge me. He did not make me feel less than. He told me "congratulations and we're gonna make this work."
My husband, for the last week has done nothing but hug me, dry my tears, tell me that I did the right thing, told me how much he supports me, and said that no matter what happens to not be afraid and he'd have my back. I think I've felt more protected in the last week than I have in my whole life.
I knew my husband was amazing. I really did. But sometimes, again, when your brain is clouded and your intuition is warped, you can't see those things. I feel so blessed that I have the man that I have in my life. And I will not, from this day forward, under appreciate that which I really have been blessed with. I love him, more than I'll ever love anyone and I am so happy to know that. I knew a lot that I refused to really know.
Believe me. I know it now. And from now on, I'm going to listen and make sure I'm connected to what my intuition tells me what IS. Not what ISN'T.
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