Thankful

This weekend was an eye-opener for me. Well, let me start over; the last 4 years have been eye-opening for me.

I stopped going to church for a long time. I periodically go to my church, Newport Baptist, when the spirit compels me. I sometimes take my mom, who has been on this self-awareness journey with me. She is 88 years old and has alzheimers with dementia. I could go into what led us to the moment she and I are in, but it is a long, sordid story full of trauma and a lot of dysfunction and craziness. I need to focus on what happened when I was in church on Good Friday.

My husband and I went to St. Leonard's catholic church with his family. We walked in, and the place was packed. Good Friday, for me, is a somber day. Knowing the idea that a man took it upon Himself to walk a path that He knew would lead to a horrific and horrible passing so that I could live a life free of feeling chained to my past leaves me speechless. It is a day of reflection, and thinking about the many moments in my own life where decisions I made hurt so many people, situations in my life left me without hope, abuses that I suffered at the hands of methodical perpetrators, jobs that I worked where men treated me like I owed then something for the favor they gave me for being hired, and the many choices that in hindsight look so easy to have made better, yet making devestating ones at the time of uncertainty and fear.

My feelings about God and Jesus are that I believe the spirit of goodness is there, and there are so many great lessons that can be learned about treating people with kindness, holding yourself accountable even if others don't want to, not blaming all bad choices on your current or past circumstances (when I say that many things can contribute to choices one makes; but knowing internally that you had and have the power to make better choices by considering all other options is how you release yourself from blame).

As I was directed to kneel and pray silently, there were many things that I wanted to leave on the cross for God to carry the burden; the impacts of my abuse, my addictions, my mother, my father, my son, my step sons, my father in law, my husband's family, the immigrants who are in fear of their lives, those who are suffering financially, broken marriages and indviduals - just many things.

But then, most likely for the first time, I thought about the many times, as a diabetic, my blood sugar was life-threateningly low, and I just happened to be with someone who was able to get life-saving help to aid me. I thought about being in church with my husband's family, who I felt didn't like me for a variety of reasons, and now it is healing. I thought about my amazing job that I never thought in this lifetime I would find, I thought about the gentleman who approached me when I took my mother out to lunch, and he said, "I just want you to know there must be a lot of love there. You are just so gentle in taking care of your mom." The fact that my brother and dad are now talking after 10 years of being estranged. This year, I celebrated 21 years of being sober, and that makes me so happy. And then, the amazing man by my side who has grown with me. Who instead of judging tears, helps me find ways to manage them and learn about where they are coming from, who does what he does not for accolades or praise, but becaue it's part of who he is as a human; wanting to impact the lives of others positively, no matter what they've done.

These last 4 years, my journey has led me from a very ugly place that was full of dirt, grime, and old dust that sat clinging to the other evidence of a life that was hoarded with abhorrent behaviors. Lots of clear visions of being just an unkept closet of crap. I have been intentional on making sure wherever I stand, wherever I go, whatever conversations I have, that I wish no harm on anyone else, but that I am in spaces where I am wanted, and where there is love and kindness and no wasted time being angry; where I apologize if I need to, and not worry about apologies from others. I no longer harbor this heavy, heavy burden of wondering what others think because I know who I am and what my intentions are. My counseling has helped a lot; making decisions to be in those spaces has been life changing, always leaving my door open not to yell and scream and blame, but to know that if I walk through another door and others walk through mine we know who the other person is and allow for a space of healing; not more harm.

So WITH all the loss that I've experienced

With all the hurt that I feel, and sometimes it is intense

With the thoughts of regret I experience from time to time

With all of it....

I sat and knelt in my pew, and instead of praying for something to change, for something to be better, for someone to be physically healed, I said...

"Thank you."

I was just thankful and grateful. T00%.

I saw my mother on Easter Sunday. The picture is of me holding her hand. I never in a million years thought that I would be taking care of her on any level. I never thought that she and I would have healed the way we have in the last 3 years. She is very sick and not well. But our relationship is okay. And I am so thankful for that. Getting older and having this happen is a natural part of life; healing the heart when it's been broken is an intentional act that others have to choose to do.

I'm thankful. Through the tears I'm thankful. And I gotta tell ya.

THAT is the miracle of Good Friday and Easter.

I hope everyone had a great holiday.