I was warned by many people about my stress, and the level of stress that I have allowed in my life. The stress of not feeling good enough; the stress of trying to live up to expectations that would never be realized because the "living up" wasn't about expectations; the stress of unresolved grief; the stress of self doubt; the stress of not feeling good enough, or strong enough...just ENOUGH of anything that can come in handy when needed. I've often been told how this would manifest physically if I didn't find better ways to manage it.
The road that I believed was safest to take was the angry road. Anger, when manifested to its umpteenth degree, is a great way to get people to leave you alone, especially when they constantly attack you. The problem is that when they walk away, the attacks don't stop, and ultimately, you begin to become angry at things that will never be fixed. You become angry at your past; your decisions; your current situation, and the only person then who becomes trapped in it is you. I was too afraid to let go of the anger, because then I felt if I did that, I would be opening the door for more pain, not realizing that the anger was painful enough. At a counseling appointment, I just sobbed. My counselor told me how worried she was about me, and that she could see with her own eyes the toll that stress was taking on my health. I FELT what she SAW, and what I felt was far worse then what was looking back at her. I let this go on for far too long....FAR too long....
Until I got sick. Physically ill. My body had an autoimmune reaction to my STRESS. It attacked me in ways that were debilitating. I was dizzy, heart palpitations, shortness of breath, pain in my joints, headaches, sleeplessness, nightmares, digestive problems, blurred vision, fainting spells, low glucose (I am type 1 diabetic), hard to concentrate, along with a plethora of other symptoms that just scared me to the core. One particular weekend, I was so ill that I couldn't get out of bed. I literally was so exhausted that I couldn't lift my arms or legs, and had a hard time keeping it together for any reason. I was so scared about what was happening that I couldn't even function. I have to give props to my wonderful husband because he was spectacular. He never made me feel like I was making it up, or that it was all in my head. He knew I was sick...so when I'd start to cry in defeat, he would just grab me and say "It's gonna be okay Rhonda. You're gonna be alright. We'll get through this." I cannot tell you how much it means to hear that when you truly believe that all is failing.
I had the following week off after this terrible sickening weekend feeling, and made some diet changes, and then decided to take hold of my health. I gained a better idea of what was happening through a holistic doctor who performed a hormone test. All in all, it confirmed that I am peri-menopausal, which I already knew...but also that I have adrenal fatigue, which is not an actual diagnosis or disease, however, it does mean that I've been suffering far too long from...
Yes...STRESS. As a matter of fact, I have three autoimmune disorders - all 3 of which have been caused by stress.
So - I had to let go of a lot. I shared a lot with my husband about what I was emotionally struggling with. I cried a lot. Instead of being angry, and cursing about what wrongs had been to me, I basically talked about how much I'd been hurt. How much I was hurting...not how angry I was. Being vulnerable to understanding that anger is just a "safe" way we use to deal with pain and anxiety, allowed me to open up about what was really painful for me. I took down the hardened shell, and told him that I just had so much that I needed to let go of. And again....instead of judging me, or feeling overwhelmed, he said "I know. I'll be here to help you through it." And again, I just sobbed.
For the entire week that I was out of work, I researched what had been found was wrong with my body, and took control of what I could take control of. I slowly but surely am ridding my mind of spirit of the stress. I'm getting my self esteem back. I am embracing the ones I love and telling them how much I love them. I am spending more time trying to focus on the positives about my life. I'm surrounding myself around more positive people. I am making appointments to have lunch with old friends, and in the process of my surroundings, I've found a few new friends. Also - physically, it's slow going, but I am starting to feel better.
It's time - it's time that I stop punishing myself. It's time that I stop making myself feel as if I don't belong here. It's time for me to hold onto SO MANY of the wonderful things and people that I have in front of me - my awesome job at Luther Manor; my amazing parents; my wonderful husband; my beautiful son; my wonderful friends; my amazing sisters and brothers; my wonderful nieces and nephews. There are so many people in my life who I just downright love - and I think I purposely kept that out of my life, because I didn't feel I deserved it. I often times tried harder to convince people who didn't like me that I had value, knowing that it would never grow past where it had gotten - but I tried. Hoping that it would. In the meantime, I had all of these people who I never had to do that with. People who loved Rhonda because she is Rhonda. Realizing that brought me to a ton of tears, but it also closed those doors of self destruction and opened the door for a lot of renewal.
I am going back to church:), I am performing yoga (trying to every day, without breaking anything lol), I am focusing more on having a better diet, I am trying to exercise a lot more, I am trying to walk more, and I'm validating my existence a lot more. I am validating my place, and with the help of so many loved ones, they're confirming that I do in fact belong here, and that feels amazing.
"What lies in front of you and what lies behind you are small matters compared to what lies within you" is a quote from Ralph Waldo Emerson. It happens to be my favorite quote. I now know that you can't believe the first or second part of that saying, without fully believing the third. I know what lies within me, and I am happy to be planting those seeds of confidence into my son's world as he gets older.
Don't let anger be your go to when you want to find ways to deal with pain. Acknowledge what is happening, and either walk away, or stay steady if you're confident that they'll be a resolution.
But don't ever allow the STRESS of emotional pain to take away your value, your physical and emotional health, or your deserved gift of life. When we invest in something that we believe in; that we feel is worthy, sometimes, we go all in not even thinking about the loss because the gain is so worth it.
I'm all in for Rhonda. For the first time, I'm all in. Even if no one else places a bet at the table, with those cards, I still win.
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