I am a sexual assault, rape, and harassment survivor. Admitting this comes with many things attached to it. It leaves a level of vulnerability that opens that door to manipulation, pain, self-reflection, and memories that are hard to accept. Many things have happened over the past few months that have opened old wounds that required some attention.
The picture that I have attached to this blog may seem odd. This is my precious beagle, Jesse. I got Jesse when I was in the basement of my life - trying to unpack many things in my distant past that had remained neatly folded and untouched but had a molded stench that was hard to get rid of. Occasionally, that stench would be abundantly apparent when things would happen that I could not make sense of. Someone would say something or do something that I could not help but respond to with anger, combativeness, discontent, and disorder. The other day, I heard something very poignant. In a program I was watching, a wife of a man, who had just informed her of an affair, was so upset by the events that were taking place in their lives once this truth came to light. He told her to calm down because she was overreacting. She commented, “I am not overreacting. I am just reacting.” That is how my life was when it was just me and Jesse.
I learned very early that Jesse had some issues. On his first night in my home, he was trying to make sense of the surroundings. I was told that he was potty trained, so I wasn’t prepared for when he lifted his back leg after smelling one of my pieces of furniture. I ran to him and said “NO JESSE! NO!” Jesse coward, curled up, covered his face with his front paws, and began to whimper. Later that night, when I went to bed, he came right into the bed with me and was adamant about being close. I could tell that it wasn’t a moment of just wanting a comfortable space to lie in - I could tell he needed to feel like I cared for and was protecting him. When I would take Jesse for a walk, he would violently bark at other dogs. The closer they got, the more he barked, even if the dogs were kind and quiet. At times, he would bark so much that he would lose his voice and would have trouble breathing. I noticed shortly after having him that he had a terrible cough that would usually be triggered by high activity. When Jesse met my now-husband, Mark, they fell in love. To this day, Mark is Jesse’s favorite person in the whole wide world. I was intrigued and wanted to know what caused him to respond to all of these scenarios in the way he had. I wanted to know because I knew that truth would give me a roadmap to finding tools to help him live a more fulfilled life.
I found out who Jesse’s original owner was. She lived in Kansas City. When I showed her how happy Jesse was, she was elated. She told me that Jesse was found on the side of the road near death a few years prior, hardly breathing. He had been badly beaten and severely injured. He was a fighting dog and had been badly abused. He was kicked in the stomach when he would cower and not fight, thus the reason why he would cough when excited. He had barely any teeth. He was oftentimes left outside in a doghouse to fend for himself - even in the cold - and he ate whatever he could find, which hurt his teeth very badly.
He was brought to a shelter after he was found where they nursed him back to health. He was shipped around from home to home until he was brought to Wisconsin, where I found him when I was in search of a dog. He came prancing out and looked so damn cute and adorable. I took him home right away.
When I noticed that he had an issue with barking with other dogs and had finally figured out that the dogfighting had created a fear in him that was due to his trauma, I tried to find different ways to make him stop. Some had suggested that I give him medication to deal with the anxiety. Some suggested that I get a special leash that had prongs that would train him to be still when dogs bark. I hated both of those options.
It is a few years later, and I realized that it just took Jesse to be in a good place where he felt safe for him to begin to heal. He had to believe that where he was where he needed to be. He does now. We see dogs on our walks, but I’ve created tools to help Jesse when that happens.
This is the last day of sexual assault awareness month (April). This month has been a huge challenge for me on so many levels that it was hard to make sense of what to do and where to go. What I found is the best place to go is inside yourself. Denial can only be dispelled by looking for answers inside of yourself. Perception can only be dispelled by looking for answers inside of yourself. In the larger scheme of things, lies in general, ones that we hear from others and ones we tell ourselves can only be dispelled by looking inside ourselves.
So here is the truth. I am an assault, rape, and harassment survivor. For years after my assault and rape, I allowed myself to be marginalized and spoken down to because I thought that was the norm. In the times that I was harassed at jobs and in music, I felt that this was supposed to be some sort of stamp of approval. For a long time, I felt submissive to have to let these people talk down to me because that is what has been allowed for so long.
Not anymore. This is the year that Rhonda Ronsman speaks. This is the year that Rhonda Ronsman gives a voice to those who are praying for some acknowledgment. I don’t want anyone’s mother, sister, aunt, daughter, son, husband, wife, brother, uncle, or, father to ever feel that they have nowhere to go. I may not be able to remedy everything, but I know at the very least, I can do something because in the past, I have. In the future, I will.
Last - when I first saw Forrest Gump and watched Jenny through her life With Forrest, the part of the movie that made me sob the most was the moment that Jenny was brought back to the home where she was sexually abused by her father. She was so triggered by that event, that she picked up rocks and began to throw those rocks at the home. The more she threw, the more apparent her pain became. It is so hard for me to watch that scene because I knew what that house was. It wasn’t just a place. It was every single person who had ever taken an opportunity to kick me in the stomach when I was down. I wanted those rocks not to hurt those people - I just wanted the rocks to hit hard enough to make it stop.
I pick up the rocks now. I look at the house. And I walk next door and use the rocks to build a new house. Pretty soon, I’ll have so many houses, that the one I threw rocks at I won’t even be able to see. It will still be there, however, when the feelings appear, I’ll just pick up the rocks and build them instead of tearing them down.
That is what I’m going to do at Rhonda Ronsman Speaks. With love, I walk away. With love, I rebuild. With love, I hold on, and with love, I let go.
Love…and Jesse.
To all sexual assault, abuse, and harassment survivors: I want you to know that I hear you. I see you. The awareness and symbolism of the month may go away, but my fight for your right to a voice will never end. I stand with you and I BELIEVE YOU.
Комментарии