None But The Righteous-I Finally See My Mother and yes, Jesus Loves Her

In this blog, I am pouring my heart out and I am not fixing anything. This is to show you the progress I have made in managing my PTSD. There may be moments when I write something, realizing that it means something else, and I will reveal it; outlining where that distorted thinking came from. Thank you in advance for reading this thoroughly.

The past 3 years of my life have been more than challenging. Straight up, there have been times that I have asked myself why I am here. I realize now that I am not alone in asking that question, especially at 56 years old. There has been so much tragic loss, much of it avoidable; wait a minute, all of it is avoidable (it's interesting because when I say that something is unavoidable, I put the responsibility on myself to have to fix something, not immediately understanding that all loss is not up to me to fix-cognitive distortions).

There are moments, even through this journey of healing, that I will wake up in the middle of the night with racing thoughts and feelings of complete inadequacy. Sometimes I cry a lot. I go through the "shoulda, coulda, woulda" phase of thinking; "If I just had said this", "If I had done that” If I had been honest." It is a normal process of me beating myself up to make sense of why so many things went wrong. I realized through the course of that thinking how wrong that is, and I work extremely hard on trying to change my thinking.

...and changing thinking is not easy when you have been used to thinking that way for so long.

My relationship with my mom was not an easy one. There was so much damage that was done throughout many years. My mom did not have an easy upbringing, and it unfortunately morphed into her adult life. In her defense, she was born in 1936 and access to mental health care was almost nonexistent. In addition, the Black culture did not really support mental health access, causing many of us to think that we just needed to pray, and God would fix it all. James 2:26 states: "For as the body without the spirit is dead, so faith without works is dead also". You cannot pray for your problems to go away. You can pray and then do the work to keep it movin'.

My mother lived a life of anger towards the people who abused her, some in her own family, mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In her adult life, those feelings of defeat and inadequacy would haunt her as she struggled through racism, lower pay, sexual harassment, stalking, abuse, and alcoholism - always seeming to run, but finding that those things ran with her. Speaking for myself, it impacted me in ways I cannot explain.

My mother quit drinking in 1983. She just came home one day and said that God told her not to drink or smoke anymore, and she never went back. She went back to school and got her bachelor’s degree and then earned two master’s degrees. Through the course of HER healing, I saw some amazingly extraordinary things that changed my entire thinking about the world. We were poor, at times, homeless. We did not know where the next meal would come from. We did not have lunches for field trips or designer clothes. Things that through life I realized how hard it must have been for her, and even in that, she gave a lot and prayed even more.

I watched her take all the money from her wallet to give to a mother at McDonalds who could not buy a lot of food for her kids. She felt her struggling, she saw her tears and did not stay silent. My mom had NOTHING and still, she felt compelled to give everything she had.

I was tasked with taking care of my mom on September 2, 2023. I did not want to do it. I was angry too. But like my mom, I could not stand by and watch someone needlessly suffer. The conditions that I found this 87-year-old in were horrendous and she was in bad shape.

When she got to the hospital, they finally gave her the medical care she had not received for over 20 years. Her cholesterol was high. She had a UTI, and no one knows how long she had it which contributed to her confusion. She also had two strokes that went untreated. They said that she had Alzheimer's with some dementia, although when she got better, she started speaking like her old self.

After about a week in the hospital, my mom kept telling me how sorry she was. She was crying about not believing me when I tried to get her the help she needed. Throughout this, an abusive boss fired me, knowing the personal stress I was under, accusing me of being emotionally unintelligent. My income went away, and I had no means to pay any bills, even those I was paying for others. I was so afraid to tell anyone about the condition I was in, and I just felt like I was falling apart. My health suffered tremendously as I continued to take care of my mom, signing her up for insurance plans, trying to get her hospital bill paid, desperately trying to find her housing, and trying so hard to fix this thing that I didn't 'break (this is part of what happens to my brain after having been sexually abused as a child. I was tasked with fixing relationships that were broken due to the abuse and this need to fix followed me throughout my life). 

However, my mom and I have had so many talks. The first Thanksgiving she had with me and my husband after she started walking again and feeling better was just awesome. She told us the next day about how much she felt like a princess, comparing it to a moment in her childhood (comments that I recorded). She shared so much history with me, and I recorded all of that. We watched "The Sound of Music" together, a movie I never saw, and she just cried when "Climb Every Mountain" came on. I realized how many hugs, how many I Iove you's, and how many gentle touches she never had throughout her life. She apologized so much. And then, she had a massive stroke that left her speechless in August of 2024.

I finally found a job that I loved but had to take care of my mother. Thank GOD this job understood and gave me the time I needed. They didn't do what my last boss did; tell me what a horrible job I was doing taking care of my mother, trying to explain medical science to me, telling me that he was not going to give me any time off and I was expected to CHOOSE THE JOB OVER BEING WITH MY MOTHER (I am so glad I chose my mother, and happy as all get out that he fired me. It was a blessing in complete disguise). Not this new job. I worked while I cared for her.

Her speech slowly started to come back, but her Alzheimer's had progressed. She was seeing things that I couldn't see (I no longer say that she was seeing things that weren't there, because who am I to say something she sees isn't real), and sometimes would be so anxious that she thought she was being fed things that were tainted. But still in that time, we became closer.

I found a group home for her that is 10 minutes from my house. She was terrified on her first night there, but grew to trust the staff and her speech did improve. There are moments when she knows that something is happening to her, and she cries a lot. She has told me that she sometimes feels that God will not forgive her for who she was. I hold her and comfort her through those moments.

Last Monday, she ended up in the ER because she did not feel okay. My husband was there. My mom said, "I had really good kids." And then she started to cry. Sob uncontrollably is more like it. She felt so bad about the things that happened.

I told my mom, "Mom, there is not one person in this world who doesn't live with a level of needing to reconcile things from their past; pain that they caused knowingly, or unknowingly. What you need to know Mom is that the proof of your mothering is standing right in front of you. A girl who quit drinking and smoking cold turkey and has been sober for 21 years; a girl who went back to school and graduated summa cum laude; a girl who is married to a wonderful man. A girl who holds herself accountable and who is learning better ways to be in joy and peace rather than dysfunction and pain.”

Yesterday, I took my mom to church. She had not been there in a while. And during the prayer part of church, everyone prayed for me and my mom. They call her Mother Trotter. They love her. At the end of the service, someone came up to the pastor and asked that my mom sing a song. And she said she would love to.

She started singing "None but the Righteous."

After an afternoon of bowing her head and praying and raising her hands to God, she started singing this song and knew every word. She uttered it, and then the music followed her. and she became more determined to finish the song, and sing every lyric and MY church gave her the room to testify that no matter what happens, she is gonna be okay.

Then she sang "Jesus Loves Me." and the same thing. Every word, every movement, every hand raised came from her heart.

We went to lunch - and she loved the food. And she was so thankful to just be out and see things. Even though it was raining, which it was, she was happy to see that.

And I dropped her off, kissed her and said "I Love you."

And I realized "I just saw my mom for the first time." And I thought about the many people who never get this chance to have these talks and have these experiences, and I am eternally grateful and thankful for it.

Jesus does love you mom. He always has. Not only is the bible telling you so - I am. Because you deserve His love. And you deserved more love than you got and did not allow yourself to receive.

I love you too. Very, very much. And I feel privileged to be handed the task of taking care of you.

I want to make sure I point out that this is in no way telling anyone how to manage your relationship(s) with your parent(s). Every situation is different, and your journey is yours and is based on your experience. I just wanted to share my experience with you and how thankful I am for it.