During this season of deep reflection, I have been inundated with thoughts about my life over the past 30 years or so. I’ve been thinking much more deeply over the past few weeks because circumstances, good or bad, usually bring me to a point of trying to understand my role more than trying to understand the role of others. It can be a very painful process because you see things that you choose to see or couldn’t see at the time that you were blinded by denial.
My husband and I usually watch “Jesus of Nazareth” during this time, not for religious purposes - neither of us practices any type of religion at this time and I’ll be honest, I don’t know if that will ever change. We watch it because of the amazing story of a human being who was brought to a point in his life where he could have taken many routes other than the one that he knew would lead him to doom - even though what was being asked of him was to embrace the prostitute Mary Magdalene instead of stoning her; to speak the truth about what is wrong, and do everything to live a life that is right so that your words match your actions; to show that speaking what is right often will lead you down a path of being demonized and pained. I watched as he struggled with the message that was being given to him and to do what was being asked of him. I watched as he had so many people who followed him because of what he was saying - something that no one else was saying - and how more people fought his message and accused him of being a liar, so much so that it led to his death. I watched the one disciple who denied him, the one who turned him in for money, and the ones who had a hard time believing what he was saying, although they trusted this man with their lives.
As he was being led to the cross, I watched the pain he endured, the wounds on his body, and how he felt amid it, that he was being forsaken. I watched how he prayed for those who did what they did to him, stating “they know not what they do.” And it became clear to me as I watched it that this was not just a story about Jesus.
It’s a story about us as people. It’s a story about burdens that we carry, messages we tell because it’s the truth, having those who support you, and having those who will deny you out of fear that they will be associated with someone who is part of an unpopular group of folks, and then those who will sell you down the river if it means that they can obtain value from turning you in. It's also a story about those who have been dying for the truth. It’s a story ABOUT truth, quite frankly. It’s a story about how truth can lead us on a very, very interpersonal painful path - but allows us to become renewed as a human.
I think I have evaluated almost every aspect of my past life. It was extremely painful, and some of it was not caused by me at all. In my adult life, some of it was. Things that I hold myself accountable for. And then I look at the last 10 years of life, which has been a process of finding the truth, not just about myself, but of everything around me. Last weekend, I took a trip down memory lane and visited my old neighborhood; a place that quite frankly, is a pretty good memory of my childhood, but holds some bad memories as well. I went to the three houses where I lived and went to the Montessori school on 21st and Highland that I attended as a child. An owner of the home stood outside, and we spoke. He told me that if I ever wanted to visit inside, I could come back when I go to church, and he would let me inside stating that he and his wife would be happy to help me make sure my memories match the reality.
When I visited my old church, it was like a homecoming. It had been years since I had been there, but there were a select few who were still members who recognized me. The church, from my memory, looked the same. The people were so warm, so welcoming. The auditorium where the adults gave the poor kids Christmas gifts and sang beautiful songs was still there. The basement where we ate those meals for dinner before my mom got home from work, was still there.
I walked out and went to one of the houses in the neighborhood where I lived where some pretty bad things happened. I stood outside of the house and just sobbed. Just cried. But I also remembered that I wasn’t there anymore. That I chose a different path. That I didn’t stay silent just because it was convenient meaning, I chose even not to be silent to myself. It felt good to know that this thought process is now embedded in me to be different than I once was because I know what it feels like to uncomfortably be like everyone else because it's popular.
So, as I watched the events in the movie “Jesus of Nazareth”, I was brought to the understanding that what happened to Jesus happens to all of us all of the time. We are brought to a point of making some very, very difficult choices about which way to go. We have people who are watching us - our kids, people who we mentor, folks who we oversee - waiting to see what we do so they can learn a better way of living and of making decisions. And as painful as it is to do something that you don’t want to do - to sacrifice things you don’t want to sacrifice - and to face the truth about things you don’t want to face - the only true way to move forward in life is by dealing with all of that in the way that Jesus did. Understanding that the larger purpose of what he did was to restore that which had been lost in so many people, by their own doing and the doing of others, and to restore himself knowing that a new life awaits anyone who does things with truth and love. Truth brings new life. It just does. You don’t even have to believe in God or go to church to know that.
When babies are born, it is painful to everyone around, and those first few days on earth suck. But in time, that new life finds its way by what it hears and what it sees. New life doesn’t mean that there won’t be pain. It doesn’t mean that there won’t be denial. It doesn’t mean that everyone will agree with you or every day will be wonderful.
But if you truly adhere to and accept a new life of truth - the ONLY way that it can continue to move forward is BY truth…about everything.
The story is about us. That’s the truth.
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