Under normal circumstances, I wouldn't have a blog photo be the main part of something that I write. However, for this post, it's really important.
I have been living in a vacuum for most of my life. When people use that to describe their existence, I always imagined it being a good thing. You're moving the vacuum and getting up all the dirt. But that is when you're on the outside of it. When you're inside, stuff just piles on and even when you dump the filter, it still piles on, and it's never the same dirt. Some of it gets mixed in with a lot of other stuff. Some is old dirt, some is new, but you can't tell which is which because it's become a union of old, smelly, raggedy, garbage that you have found no way to expurgate.
The last 3 years has taken me on a journey that has been very, very hard. I have had to face many truths about myself, not only from a perspective of how my behavior has impacted others, but how my hostility toward myself has impacted me. I never valued my existence to any level. I never felt I was a very good singer, I never felt I was a good friend or mentor, I never felt like I was a good partner to anyone, I never felt able to work as hard or as effectively as others, I have always looked at the worst possible scenario in situations, assuming that bad things would happen even when nothing but good was being displayed.
But also, I realize that many situations that I deemed as being abusive were exactly that. I never validated my own experiences. I depended on how others wanted me to see the situations rather than the reality that I lived with. I once had someone who cheated on me online while I was at gigs. He never had physical relationship with her, but it hurt like he had. It really, really hurt me. And I made it clear that it hurt. I also was unfaithful in that relationship, but mine was physical. When the affair was revealed (6 months after I ended it), I immediately got help. I was vilified to the umpteenth degree and justifiably so. I wanted to know why that was a better option than leaving because I was very unhappy. I figured all these things out, but I clearly remember being told that the online relationship wasn't the same and shouldn't be compared because it wasn't physical. And I allowed for that to be a reality, when it was not. It hurt and I was not allowed to hurt nor allowed to acknowledge my own feelings.
And that has been the way my life has gone for a very long time. I've allowed my surroundings to dictate my feelings, often times purposely putting myself in non-joyful situations because "that's what you should do, Rhonda."
Well, all that has changed.
I have had quite a bit of loss. There is one loss that at times is so intense, even as I'm writing now, I just cry and cry. But how I deal with this is accepting the realities of what is, and do my best to accomplish what can be. It doesn't mean those losses won't hurt anymore, and that the pain of those losses goes completely away. It does mean that with treatment, I am learning to "keep it movin" and find spaces of more joy than despair.
That brings to me to my recent diagnosis of PTSD.
I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I took a test with my therapist to find out if this is what I have, and I aced it:) I didn't realize how heavy my life experience had been until we went through so much of my history and why my brain works the way it does, and why I have done some of the things I have done, and why my brain thinks the way it does. For example...
I suffer from many cognitive distortions. My history has been that I respond to those distortions as if they are reality, believing what my mind has made up so that I can prepare myself for the worst, and what I expect due to my lower sense of self value. Now, when something happens like a person who I respect going into a room with another person who I respect and thinking that the conversation is a negative one about me (overgeneralizing), I take a step back and ask myself why I believe that, and why it's not true. It has helped every aspect of my personal and professional life and has given me more space to realize my value. Knowing that I have PTSD is not something I asked for, however, knowing that I have it has given me more power to understand that my feelings are not made up, that they are rooted deep in my life experience, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel. As a matter of fact, I can come out of the tunnel and just stand in the light.
According to the National Institute of Public Health, about 6.8 out of 100 people will experience PTSD at some point in their lives. Women are more likely to develop PTSD than men (although I think this really boils down to that women are more likely to seek out and be diagnosed with PTSD than men), and veterans are at a higher risk. PTSD can be caused by one event, or repeated events over time.
I am one of the 6.8 people. Right now, I feel about a .8 of a person; but I'm getting there.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing) will now help me identify some behaviors That I've not been able to remedy at all. The other things that I have been provided have given me valuable tools to now have an amazing job that I love with the understanding that no one is doing me a favor; I am there because of my value. I am being paid what I deserve for the job that I do and also being acknowledged and that feels amazing. I know how to break down and dissect cognitive distortions more effectively and am much more quiet in my space allowing myself time to understand the realities of what is happening, rather than rewriting a script with a different ending. I lost 30 pounds and am taking taekwondo, and eating better. I'm surrounding myself around people who bring me joy, and I have disconnected from people and places that are the opposite of joy. I advocate for the less fortunate, for the abused, and for the forgotten and make no apologies for cutting off contact with people who support abusers. My friendships have grown and so has my confidence.
But most importantly, my relationship with myself is improving. The loss is real. The pain is real. The triggers are real. But in all that mess, I can still look at myself and say "if no one else says it today, I am proud of you."
My husband - Mark Zolecki - listens. Understands. Supports. Knows me better than I know myself. We finish each other's sentences. We really love people and miss many people who have chosen to not be in our lives, but we do have each other, and most importantly, we have our own self understanding that keeps us moving. We have established some awesome friendships with many people and are getting out more as well which is great. We respect each others' independence, and find complete satisfaction in just sitting down and talking on Sunday morning. He is an extraordinary human who gives everything and would be satisfied and smiling with having nothing if it means that someone else could have something. I'm lucky and blessed to have him.
That never ending string at the beginning of this post that is in the photo. As you can see, the string doesn't go away. The pain comes back sometimes. It just does. But you can take that pain and hang a light to help you see clearly what is happening, and the love that surrounds you inside and out. I read a wonderful saying yesterday that went like this: "Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get." I want everything I got. Pain and all. Because it helps me move forward. And that is what I want. So in a nutshell, I am happy and successful with what others may deem to be not a lot. I feel very rich.
If you or someone you know may be suffering from depression or PTSD, please reach out to local organizations that can help you manage your symptoms. There is also online therapy that can help you. If you are feeling suicidal, please call 9-1-1 and 9-8-8 which is the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, available 24/7.
If you're reading this, you are so worth it. You just are. You don't have to realize it today. But take that first step to moving forward. There is another saying that a really brilliant woman said: "I would rather move forward at a snail's pace, than backward at any pace."
I wrote that:) And perhaps, my first step forward was that day over 15 years ago. Slow going, but yet and still, forward motion.
Comments