"Understanding of the self only arises in relationships, in watching yourself in relationships to people, ideas, and things; the trees, the earth, and the world around you and within you. Relationships are the mirror in which the self is revealed. Without self-knowledge, there is no basis for right thought and action." - Jiddu Krishnamurti
Truth be told, I was amid a very scary time. About 4 years ago, I was told that a growth was found on one of my ovaries and that they could not identify what it was unless I had that ovary removed. I was terrified. I felt trapped inside my own body, and unable to get myself out of it. I was convinced it was cancer. I was convinced it was going to be a battle, and nothing anyone could say could bring me out of it.
One afternoon, I was taking a nap and woke from the nap with one of the worst anxiety attacks I had ever had. I woke up sobbing at the thought of this scheduled appointment to talk about my upcoming surgery. I was seeing an oncologist; a type of doctor I thought I would never have to see. Then a voice started to ask questions.
The voice asked, "What are you afraid of?"
I answered. "Cancer."
The voice then asked, "If there is one thing that could happen in the next few weeks that could make you happy, what would that be?"
I answered. "I don't want Cancer. Hearing I don't have cancer would make me happy."
Then this answer came. "You didn't have Cancer a few weeks ago, and you were not happy. If you are told you do not have cancer, but you still have all this self-doubt, all this worrying about what people think, all of this being around people who do not care about you or bring you down, are you really well? Will you really be free of disease?"
There are things in this life we cannot control at all. There are some guarantees of things that will absolutely happen that we cannot change. However, there are so many things that we have complete control over that we miss, because we are so connected to only the things we cannot control.
When we look at a spider web, we are mystified by how it is created. The intricate detail is amazing. The part for me that gets me is how intentional every stitch of that web is. There is a reason for how it is built. However, the center of that web is the most important part of it - the spider. Nothing on the outside of that web can happen without that center. How that web is built reflects that center. That center survives because of everything that it chooses on the outside. Everything on the outside is dependent upon what is in the center. That web is built from the inside out.
And that is the reality of understanding that who we are WITH - in friendship, in professional life, in family relationships, in marriage, in intimacy, in the world, in our ideas, in what we believe, in what we search for - is not a process in life we must take. It is a process in life that we take because of who we are WITHIN.
Understanding who you honestly are and having that relationship with yourself is not butterflies and roses all the time. Revealing truths is not pleasant sometimes; truths about yourself and others; but some truths are so important to reveal, not just for the good of your own conscience, but for the great good. If I am speaking disparagingly about my husband, that is not a reflection of my husband; it reflects me. Why would I insult my husband to others, even in a joking way, and then defend my son when he is being insulted, even in a joking way? It all comes back to knowing yourself. It comes back to truth. And it comes back to the relationship that you have with yourself. Who you are WITH, who you allow in, the thoughts that others have about you that you know are not true, but you continue to dissect is not about them; it is about you. If I make a negative commentary about a person who I deem to be a close friend, but never tell that friend what I believe, one, how does that make me a close friend and, two, what does that say about me? That I am willing to have someone in my life who I believe to be this negative example of a human being?
At one point in my life, I had some profoundly serious choices to make. These choices had been revealing themselves to me for a period of about 3 years. I felt tortured at times with feelings that I could not control. For anyone who is always looking for areas of life to control, feeling like you are out of control is a horrible, terrible feeling. The confusion of why I was feeling the way I was feeling was at times, overwhelming. I could not make sense of walking away, and I could not make sense of staying, but I knew that something had to be done.
What I realized is I could make sense of walking away. I just did not want to walk away. It was one of the most painful things I have ever had to do. I cried, and cried, and cried and had dreams, and wrote music, and wrote in my diary, and went on walks, wrote poetry, played my guitar, talked to friends, went religiously to counseling, talked to my husband....
...talked and cried to myself. It was, in fact, one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. But it was not just for me. It was for a lot of people. It is a very strange feeling to know you have done something right...but it hurts when you do it. That is why it is so important in the quote you see above, to focus on the last sentence.
Without self-knowledge, there is no basis for right thought and action.
That right thought and action that you fight almost 100% of the time comes with pain. It does not make it less right. It does not mean you should not act.
It does mean that what is WITH you, is what is WITHIN you. If you are at a job that you hate, look inside yourself. If you are with someone who you do not like, or who treats you disrespectfully and most of the time, without care, look inside yourself. If you have family who do not accept you for who you are and you continue to be around them even though it beats you up every time, look inside yourself. If you have "friends" who continue to put you down and make you feel less of a person, look inside yourself.
When in these outside relationships, it is important to note that looking at yourself does not mean that what the other person is doing is not wrong. It does not mean that they bear no responsibility in their injurious behavior. I can tell you from my experience that being able to honestly make sense of how those things truly impact my life, gives me the wherewithal to act and do what I have control over doing, thus making room for focusing on things in my life that bring joy, and quite frankly, focusing on the realities of what doesn't bring joy, but finding it within those experiences, which I'm able to connect to much more diligently now because I have room.
Understand who you truly are and love that person. Deal in truth, no matter how painful, and you will have the answer to act not with anger, but with honesty and love. It is the most unselfish thing a person can do for themselves, for others and the world in which they live. Being born into this life is not a choice we had, but choosing to live it is a choice. Choosing to live it honestly is also a choice.
Look inside yourself and see the truth behind who you are and you will be able to see everything outside of you that much more clearly. Like a spider, you won’t even have to look at the web to see something that doesn’t belong. You’ll feel the web shake as soon as it shows up, and you’ll know when to walk back to your center and let it go. Therein lies the true secret to finding the joy that you deserve and the untapped happiness that you are entitled to see. You have to believe it though.
In the center is where all truth outside of the center is found.
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