I don’t know if I have written the story about the Dexcom battery. That serial number came to me after multiple times of “hearing” from a young man by the name of Chad Dermyer who was a police officer from Virginia who was killed in the line of duty. The anniversary of his passing is coming up on March 31, Easter Sunday. I heard about Chad from his younger brother at a place where I used to work. It was during a time that I was completely intertwined in the George Floyd tragedy (and to be clear, I still see it as a tragedy). But my mind needed changing because I was so focused on only one thing associated with what happened to George and so many others. But the story of Chad woke me up not just to that event, but to so much that was happening in my heart at that time.
A few months after I left the job where Chad’s brother worked, I was suffering from a lot of guilt and shame. I’d go on walks and I’d hear this voice saying it was Chad, and I just tuned it out because it made no sense to me that he would be talking to me, someone he never met and someone he didn’t know. I never met Chad. I didn’t know Chad at all. What I did know about him was what I read. He went to a lot of uncomfortable places where others would not travel. Not for his hubris; but to help others.
I went to New York to visit a friend who was touring with her band. Upon entering the 9/11 subway station, the battery on my constant glucose monitor (CGM) went out. That had never happened before. When I called the 24/7 support line, the very kind person asked me 7 times to repeat the serial number to him. I was frustrated at why he kept asking me for it.
Finally, the CGM began to work and the service person said “Okay, if it breaks down again, make sure to repeat the serial number when you call back. Can you repeat it to me?” So I took a deep angry breath, looked at my phone, and for the 8th time, I said it to him – 8XCHAD.
And I just began to cry because I knew it was Chad Dermyer telling me I needed to listen. And from that day forward I did because everything he tells me is right on the money. I still have the battery and carry it with me every single day.
Last year in August, he told me that life was gonna suck. He told me that some horrible things were going to happen. When I asked if I was going to lose anybody, there was a feeling that something was going to happen in that realm, but that it was more important to stay awake to all of the lessons I needed to learn, and how incredibly important it was for me to stay sober.
And then September 2nd of 2023 happened and changed everything.
My mom was in a dire situation that required my assistance.
A week after helping my mom, I was let go from my job for doing just that.
The memories of my childhood abuse became so vivid as I was dealing with this in speaking to my mom about it as I took care of her, and other situations I don’t want to reveal right now that are extremely painful to write about.
My sister became ill with COVID and passed away from COVID complications on January 15.
Hearing family members diminish my abuse, and tell my abuser they loved him, but treat me so horribly was so eye-opening.
I lost relationships with people whom I treated badly, as I was struggling just to get out of bed and keep going every day. I was so incredibly depressed and stressed out, there were days, when I told my husband, I didn’t want to be here.
I cut off relationships with people who I had allowed to hurt me for far too long.
I see two counselors and finally got a diagnosis of PTSD and severe depression for my childhood trauma that I didn’t realize was as bad as it was (I think I knew it but lived in denial for a long time).
The exhaustion and pain I felt were so palpable that it was hard to manage every single day.
As of today, I’m starting to get my feet under me a little bit, and believe me, it’s touch and go, because there are some days where I am just like “Again with another day?” And as I have been dreading writing this because I knew I would cry my eyes out (and of course I am), I want to write down some things that are a little different that have happened that I feel blessed about.
I have not had one drink during this process. I have stayed completely sober.
I found an amazing job that helps kids living with trauma connect to a better life.
I took it upon myself to reach out and work on a relationship that I really wanted to heal, and it worked and I really, really love my father-in-law a lot.
I started writing poetry again.
I took a train ride to New York to see my friend perform with her band and had some private time with her in which we both just cried, and hugged each other, and talked about so much.
I found out a friend of mine stopped drinking and other substances and I’m so proud of him.
I’ve had a lot of support from a lot of friends who I consider my family.
I started teaching music theory, and I love teaching it. Just love it.
And my husband…
Mark Zolecki has been my rock. No matter what others made me out to be, he confirmed I wasn’t that. He gave me the wherewithal to get the help I needed, and he stood by me through it all. Through all of it. kept me Centered, gave me Hope, held me Accountable, and made me connect to my Destiny.
CHAD.
Yesterday, I spent the day with my mom who is now in a safe space in Assisted Living. Afterward, I spent the latter part of the afternoon rehearsing with Sabrina Nunley and Patrice Hood for the Aurora Healthcare Hope, Shining, Blue event that pays homage to survivors of sexual abuse and assault on Denim Day, April 24, 2024. And then had dinner with someone who I consider a close friend. I got to relate to some things with Sabrina and Patrice and it just felt like a place of love.
Monday, I begin my first Taekwondo class as I strive to get my black belt and get my physical and mental self more aligned.
So, when I woke up this morning, I felt a little well rested, but still a little tired as I had trouble sleeping. And the message came to me.
Rhonda, it’s all gonna be okay, no matter what happens. Stay focused, stay awake, and understand the extremely important task of taking care of others. Stay Centered, Hopeful, hold yourself Accountable, and understand that everyone’s Destiny is best fulfilled by serving others. And sometimes, serving others means that you “lose” people who you once thought were friends, however:
Keep getting the help you need.
Don’t worry about what others think about the hard choices you’ve had to make.
Whenever needed, apologize – not for forgiveness, but because you did something wrong.
Keep moving forward.
Love as much as humanly possible.
Understand the amazing gift you have in a husband.
Deprogram your mind to take yourself out of a trauma-filled place you no longer live in.
Realize, above all else…realize that you are loved by others but learn more than anything to love yourself. Doesn’t mean you have to give yourself a pass for doing things you could have done better. Real love is based on just that. But loving yourself is the key to giving and accepting love to and from others.
To end this blog on an extremely positive note…
Some years ago, I was tasked when I worked for Port Milwaukee to take pictures of the last voyage of the Lake Express for that season. Those of you who know me, know I am always in search of the perfect sunrise or sunset. As I sat on that dock on an early morning to take these photos, I looked out over the water and saw a sunrise that encapsulated just about every single emotion I had been trying not to feel. However, these two photos opened my heart so much, even more so as I look back on them now. It was a different time the day I took these photos than it is now. I was a completely different person. The difference is I’ve grown. I’ve learned. I’ve listened. I forced myself to feel what I needed to go through without substances or other things to take me away from what my body needed to go through. So much trauma that I tried to forget and walk away from, but since September, it has been so vivid. However, now those clear pictures of what I went through as a child are fading, and I’m able to know that I’m not there anymore. Though my body and mind will never be able to rid myself of them completely, boy I’m so grateful that I can still love, and allow myself to be loved. I’m so thankful that I have the friends and the husband I have. I’m thankful that I get to show my mom that she deserves love. She deserves love. I was tasked with doing that for her, and I’m grateful that I was trusted to do that.
And I owe this all to CHAD. Honest to God. Who has committed himself to service, even in spirit. We should all strive to be the HERO he was and is. He told me this morning, keep learning Rhonda. Don’t ever, ever stop learning and being of service. Our purpose on this earth is not to work at a job for 50 years we hate. It is to commit ourselves to use whatever platform we’ve been given to help the masses. It’s a huge undertaking that comes with a lot of risk, but so, so worth it.
Here is to beautiful sunrises and sunsets, to pain and those who stand waiting to comfort us, to those who advocate for people who can’t advocate for themselves, to those who walk into a fire when others are walking out, to those who rescue people they never met and don’t know…which is exactly what CHAD did for me.
I hope that all of you can find that space of healing though you may be experiencing tremendous challenges. CHAD says it's all gonna be okay.
And I believe him.
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